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I just wanted to disappear, you know, poof and you’re no longer standing there listening to all the whining and looking at all the grief, ugliness and pain of the human condition.

It’s hard enough dealing with my own life and all it’s complications. Then I sit down with friends for coffee and the conversation turns to all the “ain’t it awful” stuff in the world, same thing at work right? and at home? Well enough already, your soon to be favorite patron saint is going to change all that.

Let’s all escape! No I don’t mean leave your friends and family, you’d probably miss them (but maybe not!) We can go to a better place while sitting in the same chair, in the same company. Every time you hear an awful situation (think worldwide increase in childhood obesity) try to think of an aspect of the situation that could be something to be grateful for (think how this problem is helping us find the solution for weight problems that have plagued us for decades) it doesn’t even have to be related to the topic for example I could be grateful for the opportunity discuss this or any other issue with friends, NOT.

Saint Iwannagetoutahere will help you escape. She will introduce you to her brother Saint Idontgivashit and before you know it, WaLa, instant, mindless euphoria like the coma response induced by many hours of mind numbing reality shows on TV. Pretty soon not only will you be able to tune out all those social do gooders but you’ll also be able to ignore the nonsensical blather of the political rhetoric of the day and before long you won’t even be interested in voting. Forget newspapers and magazines, change the channel when PBS comes on and just settle back with your sack from the nearby fast food joint to a relaxing evening of greasing your fingers and your intestines.

In order to maintain this blessed state you must avoid all books, intellectual pursuits, and discussions of social justice issues. When any of these things appear, beat a fast path out of harms way, eliminate stress, the risk of being called on to volunteer or, heaven forbid, contribute to the welfare of your neighbors. Let them fend for themselves, after all, you made it on your own, right?!